Taking Life with Chances

I get into these negative loops.

Sometimes I can feel them coming on… other times they just show up out of nowhere.

They don’t all look the same either. They last different amounts of time, and over the years I’ve rotated through different ways of coping.

Most of them make it worse.

3 years ago, it was drinking and cocaine. That’s what I leaned into, even though I knew there were other ways.

When I decided to get (my version of) sober from that, it shifted.
Shopping. Sex.

Now… it’s overeating. Binge watching. Not sleeping enough.

And somehow, this feels just as bad.

Like… the pull is the same.
A bag of chips or cookies calls me the same way a bag of blow did.

And after?
I feel the same too.

That heavy, annoyed, disappointed feeling.
Like I did it again. Like I knew better and still went there.

That part hasn’t changed at all.

What’s messing with me lately is this—

I know more now.

I’ve done the therapy. I know the “better” coping mechanisms. I’ve even used them enough to know they actually feel different… in a good way.

And still… I don’t always choose them.

That’s the part I can’t quite wrap my head around.

Because right now it feels like everyone is talking about rewiring your brain, changing your thought patterns, choosing something different.

And I get it… in theory.

But when I try to shift into something more positive, it almost feels fake.
Like I’m trying to sell myself on something I don’t fully believe.

And there’s this other voice that immediately jumps in and goes—
yeah… this isn’t real.

So now I’m sitting here wondering—

why is it so easy to fall into the negative…
and so uncomfortable to choose something better?