Taking Life with Chances

I keep noticing how my coping mechanisms don’t actually go away… they just change shape.

And that’s been messing with me a bit lately.

Because I’ve quit things before.

In my teens and early 20’s, I was self-medicating my ADHD.
Then there was a stretch where that wasn’t really my life anymore.

Later on, drinking became more of a thing.
And eventually, cocaine worked its way in too.

3 years ago, I decided I was done.

And weirdly… that part wasn’t that hard for me.
I just stopped.

No big dramatic moment. Just a line I didn’t want to cross anymore.

But now?

Now it’s food.

And this one is different in a way I wasn’t expecting.

Because it feels the same.

The planning.
The little rush of deciding what I’m going to get.
The weird awareness while I’m doing it.
And then the drop after.

The “why did I do that again” feeling.

It’s identical.

And I can see it happening in real time… and still not stop it.

That’s the part I don’t understand.

I know more now.
I’ve done the therapy.
I know the “better” ways to handle it.

I’ve even done them long enough to know they actually feel better.

And still… this is the one I keep going back to.

I can walk away from drugs.
I can walk away from alcohol.

But a bag of chips?

That somehow has a stronger hold on me.

And I don’t fully understand why.

Or maybe I do… and I just don’t want to look at it too closely yet.