Taking Life with Chances

When I start to get into one of my blue periods, I have found that if I continue to do a few things, the period may shorten, or at least not feel as heavy.

And normally, it’s simple things.

Meal prep. Make the bed. Get Chance out for a walk in one of the many beautiful parks.

It’s also allowing myself to skip the gym, watch Bravo, enjoy a yummy treat, and not dwell on it.

I was recently chatting about this on the podcast, and it has been mentioned by them and others that if you wake up and choose to be happy, you will be happy. That you need to stop thinking of life as something that is happening to you and learn to be in the flow.

I get what that means.

But how the fuck does one do that?

I don’t wake up thinking, “Today, I’m going to be in an awful mood.” Sometimes it just happens. I attempt to fake being okay, but that never works. I do all the “things” I know to do, and sometimes that doesn’t work either.

It’s been suggested that “naming” the feeling is helpful.

I’ve named them.

And again, I’m doing the things I know to do to “fix” it, yet somehow, I circle back to feeling ick.

This is something that has been a struggle for as long as I can remember. I will admit that it has become more frequent since relocating.

And then I add to it.

What should I have done differently? What did I do wrong?

All of those things get added into the loop of feelings that are already bringing me down.

There aren’t many people I’m comfortable opening up to when it comes to this stuff. When I do, I tend to get the same responses about choosing happiness.

Or I’m reminded how “brave” I was to make this move.

That came to a head during an episode of the podcast when I finally said I was over being told that I made some “brave, bold” move.

That ship has sailed.

There aren’t any magic words that can fix things. There isn’t a time machine I can jump into and do things differently.

Wouldn’t it be nice if there was?

If I could take the things I’ve learned and go back with them, what would my life have looked like?

Why wasn’t I able to find these avenues back home?

That question, at least, I feel like I know the answer to.

I didn’t think I needed them there.

I wasn’t forced to start looking for them.

Here, I was.

And if I hadn’t, I don’t know that I would ever leave my apartment. Or maybe I would have just returned home.

Returning home feels like failing. It feels like everything I set out to do, I didn’t.

Whatever that was.

Was it learning how to manage my ego? Because that has certainly been put in check as I explore these new areas.

Was it learning how to have gratitude for things? I really don’t feel like I expressed that enough back home. Or maybe I expressed it in a false way.

Staying here is forcing me to complete the mission, if you will. Not to run from it, as I normally do.

And now I’m admitting that I really don’t know what the fuck I’m doing here.

I’m not sure I can totally answer the question, “Why did I leave in the first place?”

Yes, I was burnt out in the race I was in. But people take a vacation when that starts to creep in, which had worked during past burnouts.

And sure, leaving had always been in the back of my mind, but security and safety had always taken importance.

So, what am I really hoping to find, learn, discover?

I’m going into my third year and feel that I’m not nearly as close to that answer.

This feels like the next door that I need to fully open.

And that feels like it will be a big one.

I guess that means being fully honest with myself about what the fuck I’m actually looking for here, even if I don’t figure it out overnight.