Taking Life with Chances

One of the things I’ve challenged myself to do is take a few classes that I normally wouldn’t feel comfortable taking, for a number of reasons.

The first is a creativity class. Each month, we’re given a new topic and encouraged to create art that speaks to us based on that theme. I’m also taking a writing class that uses the same monthly topic.

October’s theme is courage.

And while most people would probably assume I’d write about how much courage it took for me to leave California, that doesn’t really feel like courage to me.

What currently feels like courage is staying in Washington when it would be so much easier to go home.

This year, my homesickness has been far worse than it was during the previous two years.

Maybe the newness is wearing off.

Talking with friends on the phone, seeing their social media posts, watching them get together for BBQs and other things I’m missing out on. For whatever reason, the distance has hit harder this year.

My partner in crime was diagnosed with breast cancer.

Not being close enough to attend her chemo appointments, have rot days with her, or just be a couple of hours away (depending on traffic) instead of a 16-hour drive or a three-hour flight has really weighed on me.

And it would be easy to go home.

I’ve already figured out most of what that would look like, at least temporarily.

The things I’ve found here, my fellowship and the different groups I’ve joined, are all things I could find back home.

But for me, going home isn’t an option right now.

It still feels like failure.

I feel like I’m still finding my footing here. And while things aren’t coming together nearly as quickly as I’d like, they are coming together.

Another friend recently reminded me of some of the things this move has brought out in me.

Exploring more creative outlets. Putting myself out there in ways I probably wouldn’t have before. Getting involved in different groups, meeting new people, and learning new things.

It was a reminder I needed.

Because when I’m missing home, it’s easy to focus on everything I’m missing out on rather than everything I’ve been creating here.

And I don’t think missing home means I made the wrong decision.

I’m willing to accept that there was a level of courage involved in starting this adventure.

But right now, it feels far more courageous to stay.